Wrong Roads part 1

I sit at the computer, seeing my homework that's due in less than 3 hours in front of my face. Glaring at me. Telling me to get it done. But I don't want to. I am tired. I am without motivation.

I'm back at BYU finishing the classes necessary to obtain a teaching certificate in Spanish Teaching. Technically I'm considered a post-baccleaureate student. Recently I interviewed for an internship teaching Spanish at Timpanogos High School in Orem. I'm thinking they'll call today to tell me yea or nay.

It's been a while since I posted on my blog. I'm hoping that this post will be a bit therapeutic for me and by the time I'm finished with this post I will have the motivation to get some things done. Let me take you back…

Have you seen this video?

It's wonderful. I was talking to a friend/neighbor/guy after we had him and his wife over for dinner. I was explaining the last several years of my life and what I had arrived at and he asked if I had seen this video. I hadn't. I don't know why I hadn't, but it defines the last, probably four years of my life.

I was taking some of my last Spanish Teaching courses, when I felt like it wasn't the right choice. I tried seminary teaching (for the first time) but it didn't work out. I started doing some of the pre-reqs for being able to apply for a masters in Exercise Physiology (for the first time) but then my son was born and so I decided to just graduate in Spanish and finish something, planning to come back if I so desired. I was working at a law firm around the time I graduated, and decided I would go to law school. Dropped a bunch of money on a great LSAT study course, but after a few months decided that wasn't what I wanted to do. Now enter the blog, this here blog, that I started as a way to document my running progression and hopefully get enough people following that I could make a living off of blogging and then run full-time and pursue my Olympic running dreams. Well that went for a bit, and we moved up to Idaho Falls and I worked at a running store and trained hard. Well I loved working at the store, and living in my parents' house with my family was adventurous, but after a while that didn't feel right. EVERY SINGLE TIME it didn't feel right, I went to God in humble prayer and it felt RIGHT to change directions interestingly enough, but then I was led to something else that didn't work out--very frustrating if you ask me. Not just one wrong road, but 10+. While I was in Idaho Falls I tried out for Seminary Teaching again. Didn't work out. Then we moved back to Utah. I applied to the CIA. Didn't work out. I applied to the FBI, made it through several of the tests, but didn't pass the language test. Hmm, I know my Spanish isn't perfect, but it's pretty dang good you know? So that didn't work out. I was working full-time at Runner's Corner in Orem and having a good time, but realizing at the same time that I didn't want to work run specialty retail for the rest of my life or be a running store owner either. I also got to be in charge of the running club and realized that even though I like running with people, I don't want to have to run with people every Saturday. Sometimes I want to do my own thing. So I don't want to be a running club owner either, at least not one that I'm not 100% in charge of. Then I became the events coordinator at the store, had fun, had success, but realized that was WAY to stressful, didn't work out (realize this is like a summary of each experience and there's more to each one of these besides "it was hard, didn't work out"). Applied to four other significant jobs either getting them, but realizing I didn't really want to do it, or not getting it/them and realizing the same. All in all trying about 17 different things and realizing they were not for me.

Enter Dee Gardner. Professor at BYU. Father of many runners and a great man. He talked me into applying for the Springville Boys Head Cross Country Coaching position which I did and I got. I loved it. I loved the running. I loved the coaching. I also fell in love with each one of the boys whether they were fast, slow, improving, lazy, nice, mean, rude etc. I loved all of them and enjoyed being with them, spending time with them. At the time I quit Runner's Corner and went back to school to do Exercise Physiology pre-reqs for the second time. Started having some strugs. I was REALLY struggling with math and science (and they were the only two classes I was taking.)

I went in to get evaluated. A friend of my wife said maybe I had a math disability. Well they screened me for ADD. I took this computer test. The counselor told me the average on the test was about 100. I think it's out of like 140-150 or something. I got a 5. Yeah, I just made that average drop. The first time I took it I fell asleep like 5 different times. So I took it again, this time I was pretty alert, got drowsy, but stayed awake and I got a 5. Pretty awesome, and by awesome I mean very insightful into the miracle of my life for the past…well, my whole life so 28+ years.

Bouts of depression and paralyzing anxiety started to make sense. Lack of motivation, tendencies to become hyper-focused on certain things and addicted to other things also made sense. Why I love my planner and why I love planning SO MUCH! started to make sense. Then the first week of Fall semester 2013 I had a huge breakdown.

I came home so beaten, depressed, and down-trodden that I told wife I was quitting everything and joining the Army. I love my wife. She is so patient, kind, nice and on and on. Sincerely, if I had married almost anyone else, I would be in trouble and I thank my dear Father in heaven for a jewel. She calmly told me that we were going to the doctor to get some drugs. I started on Adderall a day or so later.

Now I've become a little more naturally minded in the past few years. I am a big believer in limiting refined foods and sugars, if not completely and totally eliminating them from your diet if possible, but this was an emergency and it felt right. Oh, it has changed my life. I feel so much better. I also realized that I wasn't falling asleep everywhere anymore. I self-diagnosed with a minor case of narcolepsy even though I still will fall asleep even taking Adderall if I don't get enough sleep.

I have learned a lot about running. I was running a lot until I hit some speed bumps a few weeks ago. I think they were divinely placed speed bumps, and divinely placed road blocks. I have backed off on my running, and my seemingly insatiable desire to continue to improve has been inexplicably stifled for the time being. Not sure what to do, but it seems right.

Thanks for this therapy session. There's still more to say. There will always be more to write. The story will always continue. Until next time. I hope it won't be two years, but who knows.