Wrong Roads part 1

I sit at the computer, seeing my homework that's due in less than 3 hours in front of my face. Glaring at me. Telling me to get it done. But I don't want to. I am tired. I am without motivation.

I'm back at BYU finishing the classes necessary to obtain a teaching certificate in Spanish Teaching. Technically I'm considered a post-baccleaureate student. Recently I interviewed for an internship teaching Spanish at Timpanogos High School in Orem. I'm thinking they'll call today to tell me yea or nay.

It's been a while since I posted on my blog. I'm hoping that this post will be a bit therapeutic for me and by the time I'm finished with this post I will have the motivation to get some things done. Let me take you back…

Have you seen this video?

It's wonderful. I was talking to a friend/neighbor/guy after we had him and his wife over for dinner. I was explaining the last several years of my life and what I had arrived at and he asked if I had seen this video. I hadn't. I don't know why I hadn't, but it defines the last, probably four years of my life.

I was taking some of my last Spanish Teaching courses, when I felt like it wasn't the right choice. I tried seminary teaching (for the first time) but it didn't work out. I started doing some of the pre-reqs for being able to apply for a masters in Exercise Physiology (for the first time) but then my son was born and so I decided to just graduate in Spanish and finish something, planning to come back if I so desired. I was working at a law firm around the time I graduated, and decided I would go to law school. Dropped a bunch of money on a great LSAT study course, but after a few months decided that wasn't what I wanted to do. Now enter the blog, this here blog, that I started as a way to document my running progression and hopefully get enough people following that I could make a living off of blogging and then run full-time and pursue my Olympic running dreams. Well that went for a bit, and we moved up to Idaho Falls and I worked at a running store and trained hard. Well I loved working at the store, and living in my parents' house with my family was adventurous, but after a while that didn't feel right. EVERY SINGLE TIME it didn't feel right, I went to God in humble prayer and it felt RIGHT to change directions interestingly enough, but then I was led to something else that didn't work out--very frustrating if you ask me. Not just one wrong road, but 10+. While I was in Idaho Falls I tried out for Seminary Teaching again. Didn't work out. Then we moved back to Utah. I applied to the CIA. Didn't work out. I applied to the FBI, made it through several of the tests, but didn't pass the language test. Hmm, I know my Spanish isn't perfect, but it's pretty dang good you know? So that didn't work out. I was working full-time at Runner's Corner in Orem and having a good time, but realizing at the same time that I didn't want to work run specialty retail for the rest of my life or be a running store owner either. I also got to be in charge of the running club and realized that even though I like running with people, I don't want to have to run with people every Saturday. Sometimes I want to do my own thing. So I don't want to be a running club owner either, at least not one that I'm not 100% in charge of. Then I became the events coordinator at the store, had fun, had success, but realized that was WAY to stressful, didn't work out (realize this is like a summary of each experience and there's more to each one of these besides "it was hard, didn't work out"). Applied to four other significant jobs either getting them, but realizing I didn't really want to do it, or not getting it/them and realizing the same. All in all trying about 17 different things and realizing they were not for me.

Enter Dee Gardner. Professor at BYU. Father of many runners and a great man. He talked me into applying for the Springville Boys Head Cross Country Coaching position which I did and I got. I loved it. I loved the running. I loved the coaching. I also fell in love with each one of the boys whether they were fast, slow, improving, lazy, nice, mean, rude etc. I loved all of them and enjoyed being with them, spending time with them. At the time I quit Runner's Corner and went back to school to do Exercise Physiology pre-reqs for the second time. Started having some strugs. I was REALLY struggling with math and science (and they were the only two classes I was taking.)

I went in to get evaluated. A friend of my wife said maybe I had a math disability. Well they screened me for ADD. I took this computer test. The counselor told me the average on the test was about 100. I think it's out of like 140-150 or something. I got a 5. Yeah, I just made that average drop. The first time I took it I fell asleep like 5 different times. So I took it again, this time I was pretty alert, got drowsy, but stayed awake and I got a 5. Pretty awesome, and by awesome I mean very insightful into the miracle of my life for the past…well, my whole life so 28+ years.

Bouts of depression and paralyzing anxiety started to make sense. Lack of motivation, tendencies to become hyper-focused on certain things and addicted to other things also made sense. Why I love my planner and why I love planning SO MUCH! started to make sense. Then the first week of Fall semester 2013 I had a huge breakdown.

I came home so beaten, depressed, and down-trodden that I told wife I was quitting everything and joining the Army. I love my wife. She is so patient, kind, nice and on and on. Sincerely, if I had married almost anyone else, I would be in trouble and I thank my dear Father in heaven for a jewel. She calmly told me that we were going to the doctor to get some drugs. I started on Adderall a day or so later.

Now I've become a little more naturally minded in the past few years. I am a big believer in limiting refined foods and sugars, if not completely and totally eliminating them from your diet if possible, but this was an emergency and it felt right. Oh, it has changed my life. I feel so much better. I also realized that I wasn't falling asleep everywhere anymore. I self-diagnosed with a minor case of narcolepsy even though I still will fall asleep even taking Adderall if I don't get enough sleep.

I have learned a lot about running. I was running a lot until I hit some speed bumps a few weeks ago. I think they were divinely placed speed bumps, and divinely placed road blocks. I have backed off on my running, and my seemingly insatiable desire to continue to improve has been inexplicably stifled for the time being. Not sure what to do, but it seems right.

Thanks for this therapy session. There's still more to say. There will always be more to write. The story will always continue. Until next time. I hope it won't be two years, but who knows.

The Future of Me

Dear Everyone,

This may be the last post for a while.  I'll try to be clear and concise about my thoughts.  The summary of everything is this:  For the time being I am giving up, I feel like life is going great, but my dream is not going great and I can't keep chasing something I'm so far away from while my family suffers and I avoid becoming a provider for my family.

Now here's further explanation:

I'm giving up for now.  Maybe it'll happen in the future and maybe it won't.  I'm not going to stop running and I'm not going to stop training.  That's something I really enjoy and something I know is really healthy, but my current times are so far away from the qualifying times and my current training has been poor to the point that I don't want to continue.  I will never say it's impossible, but for now in my life it's not right.  Or at least that's what I am choosing.

I need to provide.  My wife has been one of my best supporters, but I've been working part-time, living in my parent's basement (which is a very nice basement, don't get me wrong) and barely making ends meet, and I, by myself, independent of any person (which I think is the way it had to go) came to the realization that I am unintentionally making my family suffer while I pursue a selfish dream.  I would like to convince myself it's for good reasons, but really it's not.  So I need to work more, get out of debt and provide better which is what I'll be doing with my time.

Idaho Falls.  Moving here has been not only right, but the best decision for my family.  I have seen several reasons why moving here was awesome.  One of the principal reasons being that I have really enjoyed working at Teton Running for several reasons and I feel like it's where I need/want to be for the time being.

It seems like God has shown me that what I have been wanting to do for a long time is not really what I want to do.  I am grateful for that.  I'm also frustrated, but more grateful than frustrated.

That's all for now, I love you.

Sincerely,

Caleb Scoville

Hard Decisions

I just got back from a 3/4 mile warm-up, 20 minute tempo at 6:00/mile pace, 6 minute recovery jog, 6 x 200 meters at my "R" pace which is 38 seconds with 200 meter recovery jogs after each one and then a 2.5 mile cool down at my "E" pace which is 7:34/mile. It was tough, there was ice and snow on the ground and a pretty good wind blowing south, which was a side-wind for half of the tempo and a beautiful head-wind for the other half.  It felt good; I feel good.  I'm not sure what the future holds and I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, but here's your update.

I Am Grateful

Today I went to Walmart with my son.  I saw a bum begging and decided I would remember to do my part and get a loaf of bread.  I forgot until I was out the doors, so I turned around, went back in, bought a loaf of the cheapest white bread and drove out of the parking lot.

I went out of my way so I could give him the bread.  Instead of going in the left turn lane, which is what I would have done, I went in the straight/turn-right lane and rolled down the window.  The sign he was holding said a few things, but "Hungry" was definitely written on it.  I showed him the bread before throwing it to him, but before I could, he yelled, "No.  I don't have nothin' to put on it!" Are you JOKING ME!!! I mean SERIOUSLY!  You are a BUM and you are BEGGING and you aren't going to take my bread because you don't have nothin' to put on it?!?!?!?!?  So I proceeded to throw the bread to him, not at him, and I said, "You just gotta be grateful for what you get."  And I said it nice, but with a little sass I guess and then I drove off.  Anyways, I just wanted to share that and I am grateful for the blessings in my life.  I would like to think that I would take a loaf of bread if I was poor and begging.

Next time I'll be peanut butter, jelly and have two disposable knives on hand.  I'm serious.

Introduction

Since  I last wrote I've been doing a lot of running, praying and soul-searching.  I went to a wedding in Utah of a close friend.  I made a cool video of my son talking.  I read a cool book called The Alchemist which was awesome and inspiring, full of good insight.  I also watched two old-school movies that pushed me over the edge, in a manner of speaking, and was the impetus for my decisions as of late.

My Training

If you go to my Training Since September page you'll see ALL of my workouts since I started my "Olympic" training.  I haven't gotten sick since April, so I'm healthy (although I have been eating a TON of sugar and refined carbs, which for me is almost a sin, maybe not for you, but just for me).  I haven't been seriously injured, just some minor aches and pains.  I was going to do a time trial this week, but then it snowed and got really cold.  I'm not sure what I'll do, but something must be done.


Dreams and Fulfillment

I'm going to be straight up honest and direct: I will never give up on my dream.  It will always be with me.  I've been trying to get rid of it for 10+ years, do you think I can get rid of it now? Nope.  Sorry.  And if you want to tell me I can't, please do, just know that someday, down the road you may be sorry.  You may regret your negative words of pessimism.  Just know I never told you that you couldn't do it.  I may not accomplish my dream the way I've always thought, winning a gold medal at age 27, my prime, in the London Summer Olympics--maybe it'll be when I'm 51 at the Masters World Championships, when I'm faster at age 51 then I ever was at age 17.  Who knows? I don't, and I don't want to put limits on the human body.  People that do that only get proven wrong.

Sunday night, November 20th, we returned home from Utah having gone to a friend's wedding.  My sister was watching these old-school LDS films like The Telephone  and Cipher in the Snow. I remembered there was one about a runner called John Baker's Last Run about this guy who was a fast runner and while he was training for the Olympics and being an elementary school P.E. coach/teacher found out he had cancer and died a year and a half later.  I then watched another short film on the same DVD called Emmet Smith which is about this high school cross country and track coach who had a brain tumor, but after his operation did everything he could to get better and help people etc.  Anyways, the acting is horrible, but the stories were inspiring.  I felt so good and so bad at the same time.  I've only been working part-time, and Amy and I have cut back on a few things to save money, but it's not enough.  I realized that although my goal is not a bad goal, the way I'm going about it may be wrong.  I think I've been selfish.

1 Timothy 5:8 says, "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." I believe that's true.  I had to learn it independent of anyone.  Amy has been extremely supportive and never has said a word about me pursuing my dream to be selfish, but I know that I have been failing at my familial responsibilities.  Okay, maybe not failing, but I'm not doing as well as I should be.  


Conclusion


If my dream is right then it will happen as long as I am working hard and doing what I should be doing.  I have faith in God that He will see to it that I can accomplish everything He has put into my heart.  I need to earn more money, get out of debt and provide better for my family.  End of story, or should I say, beginning.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  More on my training and racing plan for the future to come.  Stay tuned boys and girls.

Blog Break

I decided to post daily when I wanted my blog's traffic to increase.  I wanted more people to know about what I was doing, be inspired and live their dreams.  Well lately it's been hard to post daily.  Not that I can't force myself to think of things to write about but sometimes it gets tedious.  Because of the way my training has been going there haven't really been very many races.  For me at least, racing and times are one of the most exciting things about running.  Beating yourself, PRing etc. is the best. 

I've been doing a lot of long, slow (and by slow I mean 7:34 per mile, about 40 miles per week) running so it hasn't really been that exciting, to me at least.  If it's not exciting to me, it's probably not exciting to you, and not that you wouldn't be interested in my mundane life, but for now I'm going to give the blog a rest. I am going to postpone posting for 5 weeks.  So 5 weeks from now I promise an update on how things are going.  I'm going to put reminders in my calendar and I will let you know how things are going.  If something exciting, or even kind-of exciting happens before then, which is December 1st, then I promise I will write about it.  If I end up doing a race or time-trial and it's noteworthy for example or if some shoe company wants to sponsor me, you know--I'll let you know.  For right now I don't have any races really planned for this year.  I have some tentative plans for some races in December, but until then I have nothing planned, but I'll keep you updated for sure.  You're awesome and never forget it!